During the wee hours, I Muse.

Someone once asked me where my thoughts wander after the sun has set and there are only the stars to keep me company. I tried to keep the answer at bay, but it came too easily and that scared me.The only thing that lives inside me at those late night early morning hours, are my feelings of inadequacy.

I think back to times when I was the person I wanted to be. But sometimes, I can't even remember that far in the past. And that scares me more than anything. What if I'm never the person I dream I could be?

What if, for the rest of my life, I simply fall short? I'm not sure I could deal with my own failed expectations and unfulfilled dreams.

I believe I could be so much more than I am, but I can never see past the picture in the frame to the larger landscape it depicts. And if I can't see that how can I ever fill in the blanks?

The answer is simple,
yet terrifying.

I can't.

I am Me.

Sometimes I forget who I am. Sometimes I get so bogged down by negative thoughts and put myself down. I forget the good side, the fun side, the positively hopeful side of me. I remember now though. I remember what I like to do, the music I love, the friends I have, the unconditional love from my parents. I remember my funky spunky self, the girl who cuts her hair on impulse in order to make changes, the girl who never asks for directions because she wants to figure it out herself, the girl who dances to just beats and sings her lungs out to Leona Lewis and Kelly Clarkson songs.

Demise by Indecision

Endless waves rush to the shore rising up high, only to falter while I wonder,why my life now hinges on the strict orders. Leave me be, on this night, under the crescent moonlight; 
I am tired of marching on a straight line, according to others' time. This way, and that, that way and this, optimize to be more efficient!
Instead, I stand frozen and paralyzed, unable to envision the best way to tie a bike to the rack; or to tuck the sheets in bed.

My insides ache, and my mind hesitates; all my sparkles have been washed away by the precise waves.

Volcano-ism

I am a victim of volcano-like mimics. I let the lava boil inside of me, without saying a word. Only, unlike the volcano I do not erupt conspicuously, I almost let myself purge unnoticed, vomiting heavy air on to my own lap. I spend sleepless nights due to piles of paper work, and extract my conclusions by the eggshell tinted window hedge. Sight seeing, the beautiful moon and stars are all that is required to allow the silenced verses of my stress skitter from my head, to place themselves in the black sheet of the sky where I will no longer see them, for the bright luminaries have me in a trance. At this moment, that little voice inside of my temples that bellows annoyance is completely mute, and all that exists is the quiet heart beat quarantined in my chest. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. And this I mean, quite literally. It doesn’t humour me to watch you slither in a transparent pool, lies filling it almost at flooding point, while your eyes believe impressive thick colors  swirl their mixtures past you.   

Phantasm

After midnight, the sun found us. It found us in a corner of a bed belonging to strangers. On top of the faded palm trees, I let the tears flow freely for us, for the first time. 


Why do you hate me so much? he had asked with misty eyes, and my dam broke; defenses crushed.  
Love is what I have when hate is what I've shown. 
I  have lost my sense of purpose, I said then. 
We have lost our connection, I cried into his shoulders, so familiar, so loved by me for what seemed like all of my life. 


 I don't want to lose you, the words poured onto my back and circled across my chest. I knew what went wrong, and who went astray. I am a rotten person, I clang onto the sun hoping for forgiveness. 


My retribution will come, the past may not be wiped off with a swish of a wand from the magic kingdom.  The course may never be corrected fully. The damage may never be fully repaired; the scars destined never to fade, perhaps.


My first step will be the hardest; maybe a slow crawl is all I can manage.

It's not CIMAH.

This is how the people from Chowking spell my name. It's SEEMA people. S-E-E-M-A. tsk.

And this time it's Farewell. See you soon.

I have said all that I could say and you still don't understand. This rattles me to the bone because you should understand pristinely. You have done this to me before. It's your turn to suck it up. I've been drinking your toxin all this time, letting it waste me, and you can't even once take a gander at it.

Not a slight gasp of sorrow should retreat from within my lungs, you don't deserve the sounds of my turmoil. It doesn't matter at this point whether or not you hold on. I cannot do this anymore. I've cut the old frayed rope myself and I'm off into the hazy midst of my long lost sea again. My sails have cried for the wind for some time now. It isn't easy to tell you. I'll meet you at the wharf someday, once more to fly a kite or just sit on the molding bench at the edge of the green water, I promise, but for now I can no longer deny the call. I've got incandescent, silver-haired mermaids to be enchanted by, cheeky drunk pirates to feed to crocodiles, and brilliant, unfathomable, shining treasures to uncover. 

And I can't do it with you anchoring me to the coldest depths of grief. I never understood why you chose to live without light or warmth or joy, the way you do. You say, sadly, that I am your only glimpse of light. But it's far beyond true, love. It is true that melancholy knows how to wind its way in and around people, horrifically, but there is so much light in the world too. You simply shut it out for reasons I cannot measure. You behave victimised and tortured, but you swallowd the key to your own chackles... The ones that you bought with the love I gave you for the counterfeit smiles you threw my way. I will probably miss you soon, but I can't let you keep me anymore. This has long since stopped being a good thing. I can't live this way.

Why we do, what we do...

I find it extremely compelling to comprehend why we often waver and make unwise decisions despite knowing the consequences that comes along with it.  Like how I would adamantly choose to wear the shoes that I know will cause blisters and the skin on my heels to tear. Or, refusing to peel of the bed early in the morning despite being certain that if I were to take a minute longer, I will be tardy for work.

I suppose, there could be a million and one reasons why we all choose to do the things that we do. But somehow, I conjecture that within ourselves, there is always a tiny voice that wedges us to explore, try and assist in pumping in a little faith in us to make us say ''Hmm, maybe, just maybe, it will be different today.."

Anxiety Overhauled.

After the proposition, I was apprehended by the verity that I really would quite like to hear from you. I cannot pause the thoughts of it. My heart thumps against my lungs, flushed with the images of that night, and I rush to squirm my hand inbetween before the next beat takes my will again, but I cannot. Life entails an overdose of waiting that is not to my best liking. The anticipation of it all doesn't do me too well.

Fatal Addiction

It felt like shivering rain on your bare skin, being suffocated with silence with unintentionally pursed lips, sealed shut, words incapable of slipping out. Had I dared scream (out of confusion, out of fear, out of sheer unexplainable feeling) I would have choked on the inaudible sound, my lost voice. 

Alcohol came in first, down my throat quicker than the blink of eyelid over a dilated pupil of black. second, trailed behind the chemical pills, who danced with first place in a wishy washy way through my starved body. They mix and work wonders, it's feeling quite lovely, my mind is seeking more. and so third place brings a tab of lucy to dissolve under the veins of my tongue.

Now? how do i feel? like i need to fly out of orbit, like my soul is about to dismantle itself from my body, like i was being held by the tip of a cord and let loose like a balloon in the beautiful three dimensional clouded sky of baby blue and cotton candy pink. this feeling quickly turned into a splatter of numbing irrationality, i became a frantic motionless zombie.. 

Where was i, dear friend, when you decided to jump? (kissing the boy-oh, that beautiful boy- who is lost in fantasy, explaining everything he sees, everything he wishes he could see, everything he sees in me...) how did you get so low so quickly? (the pleasure you label, is fatal. And you sell death for money, health for greed, addiction for paper to feed your own.) where will you be? tomorow, a week from now, a month from now, a year ago today? (confined to residence by a beeping ankle monitor, behind metal bars, or worse? God forbid.) i couldn't speak a word, and for a moment all was lost. 

I had his sweet hesitation, hovering over my lips, whispering soft words and promises of never-let-you-go, and he held my string tightly. through out the whole night i was ready to give up, break down, pour streams out of my eyes, out of frustration, fear, anxiety... but you did not let go of my string. drug number four, getting high off of your gravity. the best drug by far....üä

excuse me.

sorry for the outburst on my last post hey?

i am ok now.

i am calm.

see, smiling already. ^________^

The Softest Epiphany.

The sun fades in and out as the clouds make a complete attempt to overthrow its radiance. Meanwhile, hoping that the sun stands strong, I slowly make my way down to the beach, each step bringing me closer to the open water. I wrap my sweater closer to my body as the wind ferociously blows and brings the chill to my skin. Tossed around with broken seashells and small rocks, the sand under my feet remains soft with a touch of warmth from where the sun remains to persist, though weakly.

I then drop my bag, place my flats on top, and roll up my jeans. I can feel the new rush of cold, salty air and the smooth wet sand as I approach the water. I walk further in, closing the gap between myself and the wide ocean, close enough for the waves to rush over the sand and around my ankles. Each time the water spills over my feet, I would feel another wave of cold washing over me but I did not care. I close my eyes and inhale. My lungs expand with air and I am enveloped by nature's most unpretentious tranquility. Suddenly, a new rush of emotions overwhelm me as memories, both faint and vivid, disrupt my moment of quietness. I am then lost in my own thoughts. Past relationships. Broken promises. Lost friendships. New friendships. Distant struggles and new feats.

Reality.

Quickly feeling the lack of warmth caressing my back, I beg for the sun to stay and to stay strong despite the overpowering gray clouds. I open my eyes and slowly look over my right shoulder. But there He was. Strong as ever without a cloud in its path, gazing right at me high and above the rest of the world, far off into the west. Like a reminder. Like love, hope and friendship, I may not always feel its presence when I am lost but if I look in the right direction, it will always be there, waiting for me with open arms.

..such a... eErr..

i w0ke up (ahem! my m0m w0ke me up) at 5:30am i guess. . g0shness!! 5 hours of sleep! chinky eyes cuz i cried.. ohh well.. im fine fine fine.. sch0ol is fine.. still the same.. my classmates?? they're still the same.. very talkative.. yeh, it's ok.. catching up and talking b0ut each other's vacAti0n fiasco and alL.. it's just sad th0ugh, i think 3 or 4 of my classmates w0nt get to graduate this year because they still have an0ther subject to take up next year.. but they cAn do it.. go! go! go!

it's our first day of sch0ol and our law pRofEsS0r didnt sh0w up!! (again!) he did the same thing last semester.. urgh!! it really sucks!! we have this feasibility study.. our profEsSor rejecteD the 3 t0pics we submitTeD s0 she was the oNe who dEcidEd what our t0pic w0uld be.. auditing firm!! gRrR!! that is a very difFicult t0pic oNe w0uld get inv0lve in t0.. everyb0dy seEm to think s0, and i c0uldnt agreE m0re!! i d0 h0pe we c0uld c0me up oN a c0nvincing technique to make our pRof change her mind and let us pick an0ther t0pic.. (pray! pray! pray!) and ohh yeah!! that's n0t just my pr0blem.. i neEd m0ney m0ney m0ney!! i kn0w m0ney isnt everything, buT it is certainly a big part of it.. cAn s0meoNe give me a milLion bucks?? (haha! ambitious!!) ohh well...üä

..anxious...

heii, i d0nt really kn0w what this is.. but whatever, i was b0reD. i cAnt believe that sch0ol starts t0m0rRow.. OMG.. ohh welL, im exciteD anyWay, i wanNa have sleEplesS nights again.. =b.. i wanNa hang ouT with my friends again.. i have to go ouT at 3 t0day, my m0m wants me to pick up s0mething at the st0re.. i h0pe it rains or s0mething, haha.. buT it's alL go0d, cuz i'm g0nna hang ouT with jester and jera, s0 that'lL be fun fun fun! n0body cAres.. haha..

i have n0 idEa what to write.. it's realLy sad, a m0nth ago or s0mething like that, my bAtchmate in highsc0ol/neighb0r was murdEred, even th0ugh i didn't kn0w her that weLl, everytime we pasS by her h0use, i fEel s0 bAd.. it's s0 weird h0w oNe minuTe s0meOne is there and the next they're g0ne.. lifE is realLy unpreDictaBle..

a part of my tita's letter for me...üä

''you're a brave, wonderful and very smart girl. Besides being smart, you also have a perfectly n0rmal, natural need to be l0ved for what y0u are.. Y0u're very sensitive and that's why your feelings get hurt easily. It's also why y0u d0nt like to see other people's feelings get hurt. I kn0w y0u hate being sensitive, but believe me, it's one of y0ur m0st precious traits."

Lately, im having a hard time undErstanding myself, i tend to get to0 em0ti0nal, im hypersensitive, i cry a l0t, even just because of the little things.. i always c0mplain, and that's one thing i really d0nt like bout myself.. but n0w? i seE things differently, thankz to tita, instead of repeatedly p0inting out the n0t so go0d side of sensitivity, i l0ok on the brighter sidE.. isnt that what we're suppose to do? to st0p dwelling on things that disapp0int us?

first...üä

w0ahh!! tiz my first time to create a blog of my own in a real blog site.. hope this will w0rk.. each and everyone of us has our own views in lifE and i'd like to share mine.. hope y0u'll have fun reading my p0st! i'd als0 like to make this bl0g as a little diary, s0 y0u could take a glimpse of h0w i live my life.. maybe y0u'll learn s0mething fr0m me (i h0pe s0).. have fun reading peEpz!!...üä