Fatal Addiction

It felt like shivering rain on your bare skin, being suffocated with silence with unintentionally pursed lips, sealed shut, words incapable of slipping out. Had I dared scream (out of confusion, out of fear, out of sheer unexplainable feeling) I would have choked on the inaudible sound, my lost voice. 

Alcohol came in first, down my throat quicker than the blink of eyelid over a dilated pupil of black. second, trailed behind the chemical pills, who danced with first place in a wishy washy way through my starved body. They mix and work wonders, it's feeling quite lovely, my mind is seeking more. and so third place brings a tab of lucy to dissolve under the veins of my tongue.

Now? how do i feel? like i need to fly out of orbit, like my soul is about to dismantle itself from my body, like i was being held by the tip of a cord and let loose like a balloon in the beautiful three dimensional clouded sky of baby blue and cotton candy pink. this feeling quickly turned into a splatter of numbing irrationality, i became a frantic motionless zombie.. 

Where was i, dear friend, when you decided to jump? (kissing the boy-oh, that beautiful boy- who is lost in fantasy, explaining everything he sees, everything he wishes he could see, everything he sees in me...) how did you get so low so quickly? (the pleasure you label, is fatal. And you sell death for money, health for greed, addiction for paper to feed your own.) where will you be? tomorow, a week from now, a month from now, a year ago today? (confined to residence by a beeping ankle monitor, behind metal bars, or worse? God forbid.) i couldn't speak a word, and for a moment all was lost. 

I had his sweet hesitation, hovering over my lips, whispering soft words and promises of never-let-you-go, and he held my string tightly. through out the whole night i was ready to give up, break down, pour streams out of my eyes, out of frustration, fear, anxiety... but you did not let go of my string. drug number four, getting high off of your gravity. the best drug by far....üä