Phantasm

After midnight, the sun found us. It found us in a corner of a bed belonging to strangers. On top of the faded palm trees, I let the tears flow freely for us, for the first time. 


Why do you hate me so much? he had asked with misty eyes, and my dam broke; defenses crushed.  
Love is what I have when hate is what I've shown. 
I  have lost my sense of purpose, I said then. 
We have lost our connection, I cried into his shoulders, so familiar, so loved by me for what seemed like all of my life. 


 I don't want to lose you, the words poured onto my back and circled across my chest. I knew what went wrong, and who went astray. I am a rotten person, I clang onto the sun hoping for forgiveness. 


My retribution will come, the past may not be wiped off with a swish of a wand from the magic kingdom.  The course may never be corrected fully. The damage may never be fully repaired; the scars destined never to fade, perhaps.


My first step will be the hardest; maybe a slow crawl is all I can manage.