With delusion, the truth was mutilated.

I learned what it’s like to want to die so badly that the only thing holding me back from the song of the half-frozen pond was this voice that was whispering to me. It was a whisper so quiet that sometimes I couldn’t even hear it over the sound of my own breathing. And then sometimes I heard the song of the pond, beckoning me to drown in its depths. Come here and die, it said. Come here, and everything will be beautiful.

And when I listened long enough it changed into another song. First it was a song that suffocated me with its sadness. Then it became angry, and then it became mellow, then furiously loud, then soft and persistent, then hideously ugly, then hauntingly beautiful. And it was so beautiful that it left me in awe of its beauty; gasping at something that was too much to take in, too much to comprehend. And then it slowly faded away, and nothing meant anything anymore because the music was gone.

When I stared at the sky long enough I saw the treetops scraping against the muted stars. One by one the clouds sailed away. One by one the stars lit up. They flickered and flashed. They danced to the song of the frozen ice. They shone down on the dew drops and cast light on the grass. They laughed with me, and I laughed with them. They blazed with a fire so blindingly bright that I was left feeling very small.

Very small, indeed.

I swallowed the ocean. It was raging inside of me, an angry hurricane, a tempest that destroyed the whole world; a whirlpool that sucked every breath of life and every shade of color into its bottomless depths.

I took a knife and sliced open every vein in my body. I screamed for every drop of blood. I shrieked with pain; I writhed in agony. The blood was so bright I wondered if I had become a star myself. The red was so crimson it stained everything I saw. And then it changed; darkened. It became so dark that the stains became ashes and my dried blood became coal.

Then I screamed.
I screamed in the emptiness,
but my own voice couldn’t pierce the silence;
and my tears froze, and the world was winter,
and i heard no reply.

noise. too much noise.

Well intentioned little words, uttered at the wrong moments, tear down my defenses. The earth has shaken, and the ground rumbles. Cracks spread along the foundation of my castle.  Inside my shelter, with jaws clenched, fist balled, I stand quivering at my knees. Brace for the impact, I say to myself, because ready or not, here comes the big wave aimed to uplift me out of my poor state. If I'm not careful, from the top of the crest, lips that mutter with love will pull me under the current. Before I know it, I will again be that  ugly little girl with tears in her eyes, but too eager to please, too easily resentful, and too proud to cry.

Eat more. Eat less. Smile more. Frown less. Lay back. Lean forward. How about holding this, and squeezing that? Hit the gym. Eight glasses of water a day. Don't forget Vitamin C. Your accent is wrong. Choice of words is not exactly right. I'm telling you because I love you.
Too many voices swirl around me. Too many requests and loving advice are hurled toward me. Is there such a thing as too much of a good thing? Love should come with warnings, perhaps. Take one tablet twice daily. No more or no less. Take it with plenty of liquid, never on an empty stomach. Cushion all the love with lots and lots of fluffy stuff. Turn a deaf ear at times to all those lovely We mean well.

I wanted love and attention, didn't I? Now, silence has been broken. Am I ready, really?...üä

***4/21/2010

Teardrops and Roses

I was at the bus terminal today (like any normal day of course) with earphones plugged in, ignoring the world around me when I heard some applause from the left. I turned to see a crowd clapping for a couple. Some guy was on his knee proposing to a girl with a bouquet of roses. The crowd became silent in anticipation for her response. She was smiling and didn't have a word to say. A moment later, she nodded and everyone clapped again.
It was beautiful. It's something you always see on TV but when it happens in real life, you're just in awe.

last year's summer rain

never have I had
such a diligent lover
as the rain
who lets fall
tiny, cool kisses
all over my tired,
too-warm body, with
one thousand pricks of release
from the wet-heat suffocation
of plastic bag summer wrapped round my head,
of desert days following that grey gushing spring
and of stifling seclusion
from all thoughtful touch
standing, receiving, listening quietly
the wet drops are whispering
through every touch upon my ear
we
the rain
forever
falling
can only
will only
kiss only
you
.
(written last summer but posted now)...üä

..always..

an oldie on repeat mode recently. it's too hard to not like this song anyway. classic heartbreak song - intensity, exaggeration - bleeding, blood, forever, always, flood, raining, drown, love, heavens, stars, die - all the classic words you need in a heartbreaking song, together with lots of rage and devastation, and a rugged rough rocker voice that sounds even super manly at the high notes. aahh. all that it takes for me to fall in love with songs like this.. (okayy, plus, which woman wouldn't love mr bon jovi..?... haha)...üä