:Caught Contemplating:

Coffee Bliss

2011-12-12T12:58:00.002+08:00

Imagine living with the mountains in the backyard.

Towering, solid, stoic, lasting mounds of rock and dirt.

You wake up and there they are, catching the shadows of the clouds passing by.

Imagine staring at them, looking for signs of life, perhaps too small for my eyes to grab. My giant has no tall pine trees, no herds of deer that run about, and the springs have dried out by now. Sparse tiny bushes sprouting here and there offering no safe haven for a traveler to hide from the scorching heat and the blazing sun. Still, imagine, living with this gray mountain standing guard in the distant. Think of all what it must have withstood over the thousands of years, the wind, the sun, the snow, the elements of all aimed to eliminate its very existence. Imagine the strength of it peering over your shoulder, as you grab your morning cup of coffee. Imagine having this loveliness.

With delusion, the truth was mutilated.

2011-10-16T13:26:00.000+08:00

I learned what it’s like to want to die so badly that the only thing holding me back from the song of the half-frozen pond was this voice that was whispering to me. It was a whisper so quiet that sometimes I couldn’t even hear it over the sound of my own breathing. And then sometimes I heard the song of the pond, beckoning me to drown in its depths. Come here and die, it said. Come here, and everything will be beautiful.

And when I listened long enough it changed into another song. First it was a song that suffocated me with its sadness. Then it became angry, and then it became mellow, then furiously loud, then soft and persistent, then hideously ugly, then hauntingly beautiful. And it was so beautiful that it left me in awe of its beauty; gasping at something that was too much to take in, too much to comprehend. And then it slowly faded away, and nothing meant anything anymore because the music was gone.

When I stared at the sky long enough I saw the treetops scraping against the muted stars. One by one the clouds sailed away. One by one the stars lit up. They flickered and flashed. They danced to the song of the frozen ice. They shone down on the dew drops and cast light on the grass. They laughed with me, and I laughed with them. They blazed with a fire so blindingly bright that I was left feeling very small.

Very small, indeed.

I swallowed the ocean. It was raging inside of me, an angry hurricane, a tempest that destroyed the whole world; a whirlpool that sucked every breath of life and every shade of color into its bottomless depths.

I took a knife and sliced open every vein in my body. I screamed for every drop of blood. I shrieked with pain; I writhed in agony. The blood was so bright I wondered if I had become a star myself. The red was so crimson it stained everything I saw. And then it changed; darkened. It became so dark that the stains became ashes and my dried blood became coal.

Then I screamed.
I screamed in the emptiness,
but my own voice couldn’t pierce the silence;
and my tears froze, and the world was winter,
and i heard no reply.

Sadness is Beautiful.

2011-08-15T09:52:00.002+08:00

Sadness is a good thing.

The first time I realized this was when I was sitting on my bed, crying my eyes out.
It was one of those days when cold rain dragged me down in it's icy depths and drowned me in it's barren sorrows.
And I looked in the mirror and said, my heart is broken.
and those four words, those words are the craziest words to say-
words that you never understand, until it happens to you,
and sometimes that's all there is to say, because you want to explain the chasm,
the oceans of pain,
the blood pouring out of you,
but you can't even draw a breath to scream,
and if you did, nobody would hear.
those four words, are the most terrible words,
and sometimes you'll say them, and your head begins ringing,
and silence presses around you, and you're astounded by the insignificance
or everything that ever existed, and everything that didn't.
and astounded by the pain,
that seems to be all you have.

So it was with me, sobbing until my tears ran dry and my throat was sore.
and, finally, I looked up. And what I saw amazed me,
because sunlight was streaming through the branches of the trees above me.
In that moment, I realized that it all was beautiful.
and in pain, there was hope.
Then I realized that it all had meaning
because I was hurting, it showed that I cared.
and that was more beautiful than never caring at all.
because I hated rainy season, it showed that I wanted spring,
and that was better than never wanting at all.
Because I cried, it showed that I loved,
and that was better than never loving at all.

Then I realized that sadness is beautiful. It connects us to life in a deeper, more binding way than happiness does. It teaches us and challenges us. It makes us become better people. More understanding, more deeply rooted, more appreciative of every moment that makes you smile.

That's when I realized, it's ok to be sad. Sadness is as much of a part of life as happiness is. If you weren't sad when something good ends, it shows that you never appreciated that good thing in your life.

And if you never appreciate that good things in your life, that's not sad. That's a shadow; a light that flickers and dies. Never being satisfied with the things you have should never be confused with sadness. Never caring about anything should not be confused with happiness. That is the epitome of an empty shell.

The opposite of living.
In fact, it's nothing at all.

As one and a whole lot more.

2011-05-17T09:14:00.001+08:00

Should I be bothered that he does not truly read or comprehend what I write here? Or should I look at it as it does not really matter, as long as he is trying somewhat to be a part of what I am? Love does not mean you have to "get" everything the other one is, does it? You don't need to be "one" all the time. Having separate ideas and different identities is a good thing. Sometimes, having space between each other is healthy. You need to step back, and distance yourself to see and soak in the entire picture. How else are you going to get the panoramic view? And when you get the wholeness of your object, will you then be able to make sound decisions and logical assessments?

So often, I think of turning a new page, starting over or going back to where I was. And this thought becomes impossible the minute I get close to my desire. It's like being in proximity of a raging fire, you get too hot and be clouded by the smoke. You can't appreciate the danger, the lure, or even the beauty of its potential, if you stand within its reach. Break away and then study from afar. If you feel you are still inexplicably drawn, then I hope it will be safe to conclude that, in spite of the risks, what you have is worth keeping, perhaps.

Hello Misery.

2011-02-23T06:09:00.001+08:00

Things simply seem to slip through the shattered box of lost dreams and reality. All hope is gone. All laughter and every smile has cracked. The lips bleed.

They sit dry, cracked, and pale upon the face. Walking has never been pleasant when you're drenched in solitude and when your mind fabricates thoughts filled with anger that boils through the very center of your veins. They pulse with hate, they beat against the flesh with the persistent beating of rage.

A dark shadow does linger deep inside. It hides behind the mirrors in my eyes, behind every kiss the taste of decay lingers and hides. Under the very own skin it squirms like a maggot...inside of me..hiding...I never truly see it.

But I feel it. It mocks me day by day and drains me of my strength.

There are times i drown in my own sorrow and darkness grows upon me...I become everything I hate. Weakness, emptyness, stupidity, sinfulness....I fall asleep and fall into the deep beds of the unconsious where I suffocate myself with the horros that hide deep within. I slip into my very own nightmare where an unknown hatred harbored by everything within me is fabricating inside of me to be aimed at evrything and everyone without my very own understanding of it.

I throw my own self into an abyss of muddled feelings and emotions...a pool of confusion and so I come to hate myself.

I should have, now it's too late.

2011-01-09T14:40:00.001+08:00

I've been told to watch out for the man with the beautiful gifts. Breathtaking as they are, they mask the truth of who he really is. I've been warned to look beyond the facade, and dig deeper; if the voice is too hoarse, it is the wolf, not Red's grandma, that lies under the covers. Don't approach the van with the lost kitten sign, my mom had said, you never know what lurks behind those tinted windows. Your good heart will be broken if you swallow his lies coated with saccharine.

Wish I had listened to those ringing bells.

Oh Dear Mister Hloidays...

2011-01-03T09:57:00.002+08:00

Why?

Must you fleet away so quickly before my wandering irises of brown?

:((

Farewell 2010

2010-12-28T05:34:00.000+08:00

Everyone is looking back at the year, or at the decade past. Some are looking forward to the new year, with determination and new found grasp on life. I am unable to look forward, not even to forecast the color of the sky in a month's time. Maybe that's why I enjoy reading the horoscope sometimes, especially at the beginning of a new year. This way I can get excited about possible prospect of having success or luck in love. Or at least, I can read and chuckle about it knowing full well it is all shit. Listen, I'd say to anyone who will listen. This might be my (or your) year. Aren't you an ox? It says 2 months out of the year will be great! The ten months you just have to lie low or pray to God that it won't suck so much. And you (or whoever foolish enough to listen to my ramblings) will laugh and politely inform me that you (or they) don't believe in horoscope. Doesn't matter to me though, because I would have continued to read the whole damned prediction to you from the website anyway. I like hearing something great will happen to me, no matter how false sounding it is. Why do you think I tape fortune cookies (the ones that make sense) to the monitor at work. "Great change is upon you," it says. And I would tell my best friend, "See, I'll win lotto and can finally quit this job,"

2011 is the year of metal rabbit, says the Chinese horoscope; tread cautiously and with strength in your heart. It says I am a horse, and I am thinking horses and rabbits don't mix so well. But I get tired of being apprehensive all the time. I want to run naked in the rain (like I used to when I was a kid) and say the hell with the world. I am afraid that my neurosis will kick in before I can entertain this thought to the fullest. Sometimes I think maybe I won't make it past this week, but sometimes I think I will live to be a thousand and ninety. I am a mystery to myself, but I think everyone else in the world (who gives a damn) can see right through me, all the way inside to my heart and its pumping muscles; to my brain and the lights of my neurons, and inside my marrow where the mishmash of my blood cells are being born each day. I look into the mirror and I can't see past the reflected stranger standing before me.

You see me though. Even if no one else do. You see my hurt behind my harsh words, you see my insecurity behind my tough exterior that I put up. You see me and you still want me. And that says everything to me. 2010. My tumultuous year filled with wonder and love, downs and ups, and all through the tears and craziness, I feel blessed, chosen, embraced by the goodness this world has to offer. (Don't say it out loud, don't jinx it! my neurosis nudges me as I write this) But I have to thank my fate and to all who have stood by and cheered me on. Just a handful of days left in this year and I hope I can ride out this luck a little further.

One day at a time. One word at a moment. Jittery inside and fluttering outside, I am hanging on to this ride.

* originally posted as (Expectations.. yours and mine..) same time last year, I think. ;)

During the wee hours, I Muse.

2010-12-23T06:36:00.000+08:00

Someone once asked me where my thoughts wander after the sun has set and there are only the stars to keep me company. I tried to keep the answer at bay, but it came too easily and that scared me.The only thing that lives inside me at those late night early morning hours, are my feelings of inadequacy.

I think back to times when I was the person I wanted to be. But sometimes, I can't even remember that far in the past. And that scares me more than anything. What if I'm never the person I dream I could be?

What if, for the rest of my life, I simply fall short? I'm not sure I could deal with my own failed expectations and unfulfilled dreams.

I believe I could be so much more than I am, but I can never see past the picture in the frame to the larger landscape it depicts. And if I can't see that how can I ever fill in the blanks?

The answer is simple,
yet terrifying.

I can't.

Artificiality

2010-12-19T07:31:00.000+08:00

You seem completely barren, to me. it seems almost as though you are lacking in original content. In the past, my eyes would dawn on you as being so bright, although, as time progresses, I see a little flag of greed wavering in the lovely soul, that is yours. it seems to me as though you crave possessions that could define someone you would like to portray as yourself, making you lack in true identity. I see that you have yet to know entirely what defines you, therefore take bits and pieces from pieces of others, and have made of yourself a glued vase of numerous shades that aren't yours completely. although, it makes perfect sense, that i am possibly completely out of my wits with this, purely, because I suppose we are put in on this beautiful planet to search for our true selves, as though it is something already defined or predetermined. although, i don't believe that the later actually could be so. It strongly flushes through my mind that what ever flows through us naturally, effortlessly, is what makes us unique. I firmly believe that the infinite materialistic possessions we try to acquire, and the constant brain hypnosis we do to ourselves in order to know about things we normally wouldn't care to for the purpose of being more of something we truly are not, only makes us more artificial.

why are we never satisfied?

Blangko

2010-12-13T23:59:00.001+08:00

Yan ang laman ng isip ko. Marahil nagtataka ka, paanong naging blangko ang laman ng isip ko, possible bang hindi magkaroon ng laman ang utak ng isang tao? Oo, bakit hindi? Kung ang lahat naman ng nilalaman nito ay walang saysay, walang ibig sabihin, at sa kasalukuyan ay walang halaga para sayo.

Hindi ko masabi, hindi ko rin alam kung kailan, saan at paano, pero naisuko ko na ang buong kaisipan ko, kalooban ko at ang pagasa na magiging maligaya pa ako. Tunay na maligaya. Ilang beses ko na nga bang tinangkang bawiin ang sarili ko? Hindi ko na mabilang, ang tangi lamang tumatatak sa isip ko ay ang bawat pagkatalong tinatamo ko sa bawat labang hinaharap ko, laban na alam kong umpisa pa lang ay alam ko ng napakalaki ng posibiladad ng aking pagkatalo.

Kaya ako ganito, hindi ko makuhang makapagpapasok ng tao sa buhay ko, pilit kong idinidistansya ang sarili ko o kung hindi man, ay itulak ang taong iyon palayo sa tuwing nararamdaman kong naaabot niya na ang kaibuturan ng damdamin ko. Sinasara ko na ang pinto ng aking kaluluwa bago pa man nila marating ang tarangkahan.

Ano pa ang saysay ng pagbabahagi ng sarili ko sa iba kung sarili ko mismo ay hindi ko maibahagi sa aking sarili? May isip akong minsan bukas, minsan sarado pero madalas lumulutang. May puso akong nakakaramdam ngunit hindi sapat upang suklian ang bawat pagibig na natatanggap.

Hindi ako karapat dapat, nalalaman ko iyon. Hindi ko dapat tinatali ang isang bagay na buong pusong binibigay saken kung wala naman akong balak suklian iyon. Alam kong dapat ko nang buksan ang aking mga kamay upang pakawalan ang mga bagay na mas higit na magpapaligaya sa iba, ngunit ang sakim kong sarili ang pilit na bumubulag sa akin, nagpapaniwala saken na ang mga bagay na itong tinatanggap ko, tinatamasa ko, ay ang tanging mga bagay na magpapaniwala sa akin na may puso pa rin akong nakakaramdam, na kailangang makaramdam dahil kung hindi, tuluyan na akong lalamunin at mababaon sa sarili kong kadiliman.

Marami akong naiisip, ngunit lahat ng ito ay walang saysay, walang ibig sabihin at sa kasalukuyan ay walang halaga para sa akin.

Love Musings

2010-12-06T07:30:00.000+08:00

Who am I to talk of love and its stories? I am no expert, I nurse no broken heart. I possess no knowledge of how to win or lose your love. I am just a woman, lonely perhaps, needing to stir up the calm surface of a lake, just because I feel like it.

Love and loss, and stories of heartache and wedded bliss; I've been through it all, and yet, I am still a novice, needing new angles. My stories are getting old, collecting dust, wearing the same shade disguised as variants. So, give me something to ponder about, something that will take my breath away and have me sit in a dreamy daze. Make me forget rush hour traffic, nosy office mates, stale overpriced lunches, and egos of the big heads who know how to profile cancerous cells but haven't got a clue about how to uplift an employee's morale.

Show me your vision of love, the sweet aftertaste it leaves on your tongue. Let me immerse in your desire, swelling like the tides of a late afternoon ocean. I wait for you to inspire. My fingers ache to compose beautiful fresh look of love.

Consistent Inconsistencies

2010-12-02T08:36:00.000+08:00

I may not have all the answers to life. As a matter of fact, I could tell you one thing today and then another tomorrow. My thoughts shift left and right, up and down, backwards and forward. I am yes one minute and no in a matter of seconds. My perspectives change. I am no longer the girl you met yesterday and tomorrow I will no longer be the girl I am today. Change is gradual and we never see it coming. It is only noticeable when we stop and really look at ourselves and the world we have created around us. Each day is a challenge for me. I always want to be better, stronger, and wiser. But there will always be someone better than I am. A better friend. A better sister. A better daughter. A better girlfriend. A better person. Someone more intelligent than I could ever imagine. Someone more daring and confident. Someone more beautiful. Someone more perfect. And myself? I am physically weak and emotionally fragile. I can shatter into a million pieces and cry myself to sleep. I fear the silence, the emptiness, for my mind wanders. But I am able to successfully hide it all behind this curve upon my lips. I am able to spend each silence, each quiet moment of my own, building and rebuilding the heart. I listen for the rhythm. The quiet drumming. The music and the essence. This heart of mine is as delicate, as intricate and as pure as a snowflake on the first snow day of a new year. But the world is not delicate nor is it pure. So who am I to believe that I can take on the world with the heart as my shield and the mind as my only weapon.

We all have doubts in ourselves. We doubt our greatest potential. We doubt our patience. And we doubt our ability to continuously persevere. But it is never the silver lining that we all look for. What we look for is the unconditional love, faith and trust of someone else in us. Not our mothers. Not our fathers, brothers or sisters. Not someone who shares our blood, but rather a stranger. One who will eventually become an acquaintance and on to an honorable friend. Someone who will grow and change because we have made an impact on their lives just as much as they did on our lives simply because they accepted us for who we are and were able to believe in our choices and actions. I want to see the world and every person in it creating this beautiful ripple effect. One that touches and changes a person. One that spreads love and romance. One of trust and honesty. And most of all, one of inspiration. So with this in mind, go and challenge the world. Defy gravity. Be better, stronger and wiser. Affect others and let others affect you. Take on life with the heart as your shield and the mind as your only weapon. These are things no one could ever take away from you.

I am Me.

2010-12-01T07:55:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I forget who I am. Sometimes I get so bogged down by negative thoughts and put myself down. I forget the good side, the fun side, the positively hopeful side of me. I remember now though. I remember what I like to do, the music I love, the friends I have, the unconditional love from my parents. I remember my funky spunky self, the girl who cuts her hair on impulse in order to make changes, the girl who never asks for directions because she wants to figure it out herself, the girl who dances to just beats and sings her lungs out to Leona Lewis and Kelly Clarkson songs.

Don't let the bed bugs bite.

2010-11-20T11:42:00.000+08:00

I really want to blog about something, but I know that if I post, I'll offend two very important people in my life. This is annoying the frickin' heck out of me. I promised myself that I would only blog about what I felt comfortable with the public knowing. I promised that I'd never make a protected post because, if I can't say it to everyone, I won't say it at all. This has never been a problem before, but tonight, it's driving me crazy.

I hate that this is my blog, and yet I feel like I have to be gentle with other people. Why do I even have my own blog if I'm going to let it be dictated by what will offend my friends and what won't?

Chances are, I won't end up blogging about what I want to blog about. I'll let all the thoughts in my mind just sit there and rot because I care too much about other peoples' feelings. For the sake of everyone else, I will silence my need to get this off my chest.

But why should I? Why do I feel the need to be gentle and cautious? This is my blog, damn it. And I should have the guts to say whatever I want, no matter who it offends. But I don't. I don't want to hurt any feelings or cause any unnecessary drama. So tonight, two lucky men will sleep well knowing that I didn't verbally tear them apart. I can dream, though, that they will both sleep unwell knowing that my lack of ability to express my opinion is driving me to insanity. Killing me slowly, even.

Because I love the song and Hayley's new color. Ü

2010-11-17T11:25:00.000+08:00

and the concept of the video, sociopath much hayley? lol

Playing God ::: Paramore

What do I see?

2010-11-11T11:44:00.001+08:00

I see every fissure in the tall walls
every possibility, every joy and ecstasy,
every laugh, every smile, every crinkle within your voice
every tear on your face, every stumble in our path
every despair you hide from me, every redness of our hearts.

I see the sun behind the opaque sky,
the rivers that flow into the ocean,
the peak of the mountains, the steep of the hills
the daffodils of March, your hands in mine,
my head on your shoulder, my legs across yours;
I see eternity in your beautiful eyes.

My vision is clear, my eyes are wide open
I see my whole world.

Demise by Indecision

2010-11-05T11:16:00.000+08:00

Endless waves rush to the shore rising up high, only to falter while I wonder,why my life now hinges on the strict orders. Leave me be, on this night, under the crescent moonlight;
I am tired of marching on a straight line, according to others' time. This way, and that, that way and this, optimize to be more efficient!
Instead, I stand frozen and paralyzed, unable to envision the best way to tie a bike to the rack; or to tuck the sheets in bed.

My insides ache, and my mind hesitates; all my sparkles have been washed away by the precise waves.

Volcano-ism

2010-10-20T07:53:00.000+08:00

I am a victim of volcano-like mimics. I let the lava boil inside of me, without saying a word. Only, unlike the volcano I do not erupt conspicuously, I almost let myself purge unnoticed, vomiting heavy air on to my own lap. I spend sleepless nights due to piles of paper work, and extract my conclusions by the eggshell tinted window hedge. Sight seeing, the beautiful moon and stars are all that is required to allow the silenced verses of my stress skitter from my head, to place themselves in the black sheet of the sky where I will no longer see them, for the bright luminaries have me in a trance. At this moment, that little voice inside of my temples that bellows annoyance is completely mute, and all that exists is the quiet heart beat quarantined in my chest. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. And this I mean, quite literally. It doesn’t humour me to watch you slither in a transparent pool, lies filling it almost at flooding point, while your eyes believe impressive thick colors swirl their mixtures past you.

Metamorphosis.

2010-10-06T07:24:00.000+08:00

The more I drink, the thirstier I get. Tonight, my body betrays me and kills my brain cells. The fire in me burns intensely, charring logic, reason, and common sense. My legs ache, my stomach churns, and my mind melts thinking of you. Give it to me, I beg. Will you grant me this wish? I writhe and crawl with the wildness that surely, is not mine. A demon has taken control of me, that I am sure of.

Run. Don't look back. I need to shed this burning skin and run. The survival of my house of cards depends on my swiftness. Everything has turned red, even my cool crescent moon. Serpent in me rises up and coils around my spine, daring me to strip down and beg for mercy one more time. I cover my ears and sprint along the gravel road in barefoot. My red moon watches me puzzled. The skeletons are waiting, behind the walls, beneath the basement floor, in the closets, hiding and waiting patiently to be discovered. She's the one, they point their bony digits at me.

Don't look. Don't be swayed. Don't beg. Don't dream. Don't feel. Don't love. Just run.

Phantasm

2010-09-16T07:31:00.000+08:00

After midnight, the sun found us. It found us in a corner of a bed belonging to strangers. On top of the faded palm trees, I let the tears flow freely for us, for the first time.

Why do you hate me so much? he had asked with misty eyes, and my dam broke; defenses crushed.
Love is what I have when hate is what I've shown.
I have lost my sense of purpose, I said then.
We have lost our connection, I cried into his shoulders, so familiar, so loved by me for what seemed like all of my life.

I don't want to lose you, the words poured onto my back and circled across my chest. I knew what went wrong, and who went astray. I am a rotten person, I clang onto the sun hoping for forgiveness.

My retribution will come, the past may not be wiped off with a swish of a wand from the magic kingdom. The course may never be corrected fully. The damage may never be fully repaired; the scars destined never to fade, perhaps.

My first step will be the hardest; maybe a slow crawl is all I can manage.

Live the Story.

2010-09-15T06:29:00.000+08:00

Everything happens the way they do because they were supposed to. Not for a reason that we understand at the time, but eventually we see how everything plays out. Life unfolds into this intricate story that's worth telling.

Soft, Quiet and Helpless.

2010-09-14T06:06:00.001+08:00

If I could put words to feeling today,
my words would be angry and hot,
spilling hurt and hatred.
Spewing venom.
Spilling tears.
Wallowing in suffering.
If I could sing a song to my feelings today,
it would flow loud and angry,
the notes harsh and scathing
and then mellow into a wail and then a whimper.
Soft, and quiet, and helpless.
And, if I could speak my feelings out today,
I wouldn’t know what to say.
Forgive me, perhaps.
Forgive me for the anger,
forgive me for showing you my hurt.
And, forgive me for loving you.
I want so much to say goodbye,
and I want so much for you to say stay.
I want so much to put my hand in yours tonight,
and cry tears through the hot summer night.
And, I want so much to wake up,
your hand still in mine,
no memories of last night.
No memories of yesterday,
and the day before, and the day before.
Just a sweet song escaping my lips,
happiness setting them into a smile,
a warm, unhungry silence.
And, your hand in mine.

*** 04/10/09

Multiply Life by the Power of Two. ♥

2010-08-31T05:42:00.000+08:00

I gotta say that video is a little bit errrrr... you know what I mean, ahaha. But hey, admit it, the song is epic! Don't tell me that you don't think about your bestfriend, lover, special someone, sister, brother, mom or dad whenever you hear this song. All of us can totally relate. Ü

What I am to you is not real

2010-08-26T07:03:00.000+08:00

I’ve been thinking for hours and hours

then the hours turned into days,

and the days into weeks.

I kissed you and you just stood there passively,

barely moving, not a sound or even a breath.

You say that you feel warm when you think about me,

but why, why oh why are you colder than ice right now?

You are like icy drops of rain from my sunny sky,

that continues to pour over my parade.

Are all my assumptions just lay there prematurely in the surface?

or there’s really nothing to ponder about us and what lies in our future?

Is it even our future?

or just mine alone?

It's not CIMAH.

2010-08-25T07:25:00.000+08:00

This is how the people from Chowking spell my name. It's SEEMA people. S-E-E-M-A. tsk.

Lyrically Drained

2010-08-19T08:10:00.000+08:00

I could write about the warm sunset, and how it can give us serenity.
I can write about nature and all the beauty it possess.
or I can tell you everything about love and pain and everything in between,
but I can't seem to put everything in place,
my mind is empty.
I can think about the bright blue sky and the optimism it gives.
or think about the dolphins and how they freely swim.
maybe I can just look back and make a tell-tale about the past and memories uncovered,
but that would be too much for my mind to ponder,
and who cares anyway so it doesn't seem to matter.
maybe some things are better left unsaid,
but isn't it best to share how you see things with your eyes, and let everyone get a taste of it?
I want to eradicate all of my emotions from my insides,
and turn them into words,
but my words went on a vacation,
and they didn't take me with them.

*** Originally posted on (I can't remember the date and too lazy to check it out on my tumblr account. LOL)

The Girl In The Fridge

2010-08-18T06:52:00.000+08:00

TVDuck.com Video Player

I love this episode on Bones...

This is where Temperance, the genius, eccentric and somehow distant Anthropologist poured her heart out, that beyond the cold facade, she has a heart too, a warm heart that cares. Ü

And this time it's Farewell. See you soon.

2010-08-17T02:40:00.000+08:00

I have said all that I could say and you still don't understand. This rattles me to the bone because you should understand pristinely. You have done this to me before. It's your turn to suck it up. I've been drinking your toxin all this time, letting it waste me, and you can't even once take a gander at it.

Not a slight gasp of sorrow should retreat from within my lungs, you don't deserve the sounds of my turmoil. It doesn't matter at this point whether or not you hold on. I cannot do this anymore. I've cut the old frayed rope myself and I'm off into the hazy midst of my long lost sea again. My sails have cried for the wind for some time now. It isn't easy to tell you. I'll meet you at the wharf someday, once more to fly a kite or just sit on the molding bench at the edge of the green water, I promise, but for now I can no longer deny the call. I've got incandescent, silver-haired mermaids to be enchanted by, cheeky drunk pirates to feed to crocodiles, and brilliant, unfathomable, shining treasures to uncover.

And I can't do it with you anchoring me to the coldest depths of grief. I never understood why you chose to live without light or warmth or joy, the way you do. You say, sadly, that I am your only glimpse of light. But it's far beyond true, love. It is true that melancholy knows how to wind its way in and around people, horrifically, but there is so much light in the world too. You simply shut it out for reasons I cannot measure. You behave victimised and tortured, but you swallowd the key to your own chackles... The ones that you bought with the love I gave you for the counterfeit smiles you threw my way. I will probably miss you soon, but I can't let you keep me anymore. This has long since stopped being a good thing. I can't live this way.

Never say never.

2010-08-12T07:59:00.000+08:00

Well, so i've been hearing this song on Mellow 94.7 a lot.. and I kinda like it. hoho.. gotta love the message, and... Jaden Smith is sooooo Adorable!!!!

soooo here goes... :)

Piece of advice: click the video to view it in full, somehow it's missing a quarter part here. urgh.

And I was...

2010-08-11T08:28:00.000+08:00

It was true when you sang in a voice so soft and low,
I was right to believe that this moment was real.
It was true that heavy clouds came rushing past the skies,
I was right to think it would pour of rain today.
It was true when they said the sun shines after dark clouds,
I was right to wonder when my clothes would dry, when my heart would mend.

It was true when the woman told me not to fear the dark,
I was right to listen, even if only after a while so long.
It was true when they said that everything will soon be alright,
I was right to disbelieve.
It is true that i was proven wrong,
and I was...

Be the one I'm looking for ♥

2010-08-11T07:11:00.000+08:00

Adore by Paramore

I am inlove with this song. ♥♥♥

I think this was never a part of their album, but I managed to stumble upon this song when I had to sing Paramore songs for a performance. so yeah, get the picture. Though I did not perform this song, this is still a topnotch LSS for me. ADORE is LOVE. :)

Answer me.

2010-08-07T09:01:00.001+08:00

Can anybody tell me how to pass the time when you are caught in the deepest caverns of nothingness, waiting desperately to return to your home?

Why we do, what we do...

2010-08-06T07:51:00.000+08:00

I find it extremely compelling to comprehend why we often waver and make unwise decisions despite knowing the consequences that comes along with it. Like how I would adamantly choose to wear the shoes that I know will cause blisters and the skin on my heels to tear. Or, refusing to peel of the bed early in the morning despite being certain that if I were to take a minute longer, I will be tardy for work.

I suppose, there could be a million and one reasons why we all choose to do the things that we do. But somehow, I conjecture that within ourselves, there is always a tiny voice that wedges us to explore, try and assist in pumping in a little faith in us to make us say ''Hmm, maybe, just maybe, it will be different today.."

Anxiety Overhauled.

2010-07-31T08:04:00.000+08:00

After the proposition, I was apprehended by the verity that I really would quite like to hear from you. I cannot pause the thoughts of it. My heart thumps against my lungs, flushed with the images of that night, and I rush to squirm my hand inbetween before the next beat takes my will again, but I cannot. Life entails an overdose of waiting that is not to my best liking. The anticipation of it all doesn't do me too well.

nothing to say.

2010-07-28T07:47:00.001+08:00

I have been attempting to pen down some thoughts but each time, I stare at this space - I become dazed and stoic.
Suppose, I shall retreat for a bit and live life.

That Someone Up There

2010-07-13T07:42:00.000+08:00

I love this song, with all my heart, this song always reminds me that whenever i am at my lowest point in my life, when everything's gone wrong and i feel like the world is crashing down on me, i would still not blame God for it, not even one bit. He is more than a friend, a companion, and a Father. I know that he will always be there for me, through good times and most especially through the bad. When the going gets tough, God is with me so I am tougher.

God thank you for everything, even though I am sinner you still love me. I love you God.

* i hope you guys will love this song too *

HE
Album : The Very Best Of The McGuire Sisters
(Words and Music by Richard Mullen / Jack Richards)

The McGuire Sisters - 1955
Al Hibbler - 1955
The Righteous Brothers - 1966

He can turn the tides and calm the angry sea
He alone decides who writes a symphony
He lights ev'ry star that makes the darkness bright
He keeps watch all through each long and lonely night

He still finds the time to hear a child's first prayer
Saint or sinner calls and always finds him there
Though it makes him sad to see the way we live
He'll always say "I forgive"

He can grant a wish or make a dream come true

He can paint the clouds and turn the gray to blue

He alone knows where to find the rainbows end

He alone can see what lies beyond the bend

He can touch a tree and turn the leaves to gold
He knows every lie that you and I have told
Though it makes him sad to see the way we live
He'll always say "I forgive"

He forgives

Source

Fatal Addiction

2010-07-10T08:14:00.000+08:00

It felt like shivering rain on your bare skin, being suffocated with silence with unintentionally pursed lips, sealed shut, words incapable of slipping out. Had I dared scream (out of confusion, out of fear, out of sheer unexplainable feeling) I would have choked on the inaudible sound, my lost voice.

Alcohol came in first, down my throat quicker than the blink of eyelid over a dilated pupil of black. second, trailed behind the chemical pills, who danced with first place in a wishy washy way through my starved body. They mix and work wonders, it's feeling quite lovely, my mind is seeking more. and so third place brings a tab of lucy to dissolve under the veins of my tongue.

Now? how do i feel? like i need to fly out of orbit, like my soul is about to dismantle itself from my body, like i was being held by the tip of a cord and let loose like a balloon in the beautiful three dimensional clouded sky of baby blue and cotton candy pink. this feeling quickly turned into a splatter of numbing irrationality, i became a frantic motionless zombie..

Where was i, dear friend, when you decided to jump? (kissing the boy-oh, that beautiful boy- who is lost in fantasy, explaining everything he sees, everything he wishes he could see, everything he sees in me...) how did you get so low so quickly? (the pleasure you label, is fatal. And you sell death for money, health for greed, addiction for paper to feed your own.) where will you be? tomorow, a week from now, a month from now, a year ago today? (confined to residence by a beeping ankle monitor, behind metal bars, or worse? God forbid.) i couldn't speak a word, and for a moment all was lost.

I had his sweet hesitation, hovering over my lips, whispering soft words and promises of never-let-you-go, and he held my string tightly. through out the whole night i was ready to give up, break down, pour streams out of my eyes, out of frustration, fear, anxiety... but you did not let go of my string. drug number four, getting high off of your gravity. the best drug by far....üä

excuse me.

2010-07-10T08:12:00.000+08:00

sorry for the outburst on my last post hey?

i am ok now.

i am calm.

see, smiling already. ^________^

Pilot Account User of "Andal Ampatuan Jr."

2010-07-09T08:01:00.000+08:00

Hey you! Yes you, worthless user of this freaking pilot account Andal Ampatuan Jr., I've already ignored your Friend Request for like who knows how many times already. Are you some kind of a moron or something? Take a hint! Stop adding me! isn't your real account enough for you to stalk my page? or you also wanna anonymously post your shit on my wall too?

and stop spreading your crap on Pierre's Facebook wall because not only does it make you look overly contemptible but just plain stupid at the same time (hey, good for you he deleted your disgusting posts about our two other friends)

What are you, grade 4? get a life dude, aren't you just ashamed of yourself fighting with someone almost half your age, is that what you're going to teach your kids? waste their time on facebook, picking on other people's lives?

and that death threat? very inventive and despicable.. ohh puh-lease! give us a break, did you lose all your brain cells over the years of your existence or you don't have any to begin with? Do the world a favor, stop showing your idiosyncrasies and start growing up!!!

* Geez, i can't believe people with the likes of him even exist. Pure Absurdity.

If there's a Popularity Contest about "Most Blocked Account", please let this Pilot Account (Andal Ampatuan Jr.) win, (REPORT then BLOCK this FAKE account for CYBERBULLYING and DEATH THREATENING) (and if you know the User, block him too, * wink *). Thank you.

watch out

2010-07-09T05:03:00.000+08:00

i know i don't normally post hate related entries or rants or just my normal mad self here, but wait till you read my next entry.

yes, i did watch it.

2010-07-07T07:39:00.000+08:00

So, i finally watched the 3rd installment of the Twilight Saga "Eclipse". There's nothing much to say really, because, i'm not a big fan, the reason i read the book was because I saw Taylor Lautner on New Moon looking very dashing with his long hair (but he eventually get rid of at the later part of the movie, which is fine because he looks hot still, LOL). and those biceps, seriously girls! who wouldn't fall for those biceps, lol.

anyway, i like this part of the movie where Jacob said to Bella

"i'm gonna fight for you until your heart stops beating" (which i originally posted on my tumblr account right after i watched the full trailer)

and i like this one too

Jacob: "i'll be waiting"
Bella: "until my heart stops beating?"
Jacob: "maybe even after that" awww. (pwede bang akin ka na lang?)

(i'm not so sure if the lines go that way, but, hmm, something to that effect) :D

and my favorite line in the movie

"Admit it, I'm hotter than you" Jacob. waha. literally, he really is. hoho. i can't remember reading that from the book,. hmmm.

the scenes that i really looked forward to were the fight scenes, i must admit, they did a great job with the effects and all, you can really say "sulit and bayad ko".

i hated the new Victoria's hair though, it's pretty obvious that she wore a wig.

And of course, i should mention the bored looking Bella and the whispering Edward Cullen, lol.

bottomline, hindi ako nauhaw sa fight scenes. and i like Robert's acting whenever he professes his love to Bella (teary-eyed and lolo mo :D)

and ohh, i love the very graceful Alice.

my typing stops here. Ü

noise. too much noise.

2010-07-07T03:55:00.000+08:00

Well intentioned little words, uttered at the wrong moments, tear down my defenses. The earth has shaken, and the ground rumbles. Cracks spread along the foundation of my castle. Inside my shelter, with jaws clenched, fist balled, I stand quivering at my knees. Brace for the impact, I say to myself, because ready or not, here comes the big wave aimed to uplift me out of my poor state. If I'm not careful, from the top of the crest, lips that mutter with love will pull me under the current. Before I know it, I will again be that ugly little girl with tears in her eyes, but too eager to please, too easily resentful, and too proud to cry.

Eat more. Eat less. Smile more. Frown less. Lay back. Lean forward. How about holding this, and squeezing that? Hit the gym. Eight glasses of water a day. Don't forget Vitamin C. Your accent is wrong. Choice of words is not exactly right. I'm telling you because I love you.
Too many voices swirl around me. Too many requests and loving advice are hurled toward me. Is there such a thing as too much of a good thing? Love should come with warnings, perhaps. Take one tablet twice daily. No more or no less. Take it with plenty of liquid, never on an empty stomach. Cushion all the love with lots and lots of fluffy stuff. Turn a deaf ear at times to all those lovely We mean well.

I wanted love and attention, didn't I? Now, silence has been broken. Am I ready, really?...üä

***4/21/2010

Anna and the real world.

2010-07-03T08:27:00.000+08:00

Anna chuckles, because the wind so furiously laps her up, her purple-green skirt swirls ludicrously in the darkness. Her eyes dance, her hands flail. And, if you're standing there, watching her... you want to take her in your arms and dance. Dance... the dance of insanity, of innocence, of eternal love. You want to lullaby her out of her insanity, talk her into coming with you because you know it will haunt you if you don't. Down the street, into the real world.

But, Anna stays where she is. Sometimes dancing, often sitting by the corner of the street throwing pebbles. Plucking blades of grass. Counting her every breath. Slinging sand at the innocent, who walk by. And, using her muddy nails to scratch her pain on jagged walls. For you and me to marvel at, there lies Anna's art.

And, from a window a weary woman with whitened hair, and raspy brown eyes...watches Anna as the days go by. She throws her crumbs when no one's looking, but otherwise she looks away. Her hands falter, her eyes deceive. Yet, she clambers with her pots and pans, with her children who run-about house with whistle and hay. For her, Anna was quite simply, the one who got away.

Don't let me fall

2010-06-29T05:06:00.001+08:00

I once dedicated this song to someone who was close to me. Well, it didn’t turn out quite well. I was very vocal then with how I felt for him and quite frankly, almost confessed that I was falling for him. Almost but didn’t, I just came off a bad break up back then, so I wasn’t really ready to fall again, but I think I was at the brink of taking the risk. Nothing happened though. The feeling wasn’t mutual.

Bad decision, wrong choices, too good to be true. But I never regret that. Atleast I stayed true to myself, I enjoyed the feeling while it lasted, I’m not sure on his behalf, but for me, yeah, I could say that it was nice knowing him.

Btw, enjoy the song. Ü

A Father's day post. (sort of)

2010-06-20T17:26:00.000+08:00

I rushed into the streets of baclaran along with almost 50 other people, hoping to find a bus for my one-hour ride home. I sat my butt down into the first and only sight of vacant seat I saw. The seats were completely saturated.

Then came a couple with the lady holding a baby/infant (I don't know what you call that), and the guy holding two heavy bags. The person next to me got up, and the lady with the child sat down. I got up to let the father sit next to them,

and he said "No, no, it's okay." (hindi na, ok lang)

I insisted that he sits, while he insisted that I stay seated. I then went on to command him,

"Sit next to them!" (tumabi ka na po sa kanila!) in a gentle but nudging kind of way.

He said, "No, really, I appreciate it!" (hindi, ok lang talaga, pero salamat neng).

Defeated, I sat down next to the lady with the infant, afraid that my arm might accidentally hit her head and cause brain damage with my superior strength.

And then I saw it.

He stood in front of the lady with the infant, and just watched over them. He gently nudged the little girl's cheek while she fell fast asleep in her mother's arms. And he just watched. Protecting them. Looking out for them.

It's a blessing to have a complete and loving family. I smile as I feel the warmth from this loving image. How easy it is to forget when we are being watched over, protected, embraced, and loved by the people who matter.

skype madness

2010-06-15T07:09:00.000+08:00

tina (7:27:37 PM): is it raining there

tina (7:27:40 PM): its raining here

Me (7:27:41 PM): no

Me (7:27:43 PM): it did

Me (7:27:44 PM): a lil

tina (7:27:45 PM): ohh

Me (7:27:49 PM): before it was horrendous

Me (7:27:52 PM): it was oruding

Me (7:27:55 PM): porugng

tina (7:28:02 PM): pouring?

Me (7:28:04 PM): yeah

tina (7:28:06 PM): haha

Me (7:28:07 PM): lol

tina (7:28:09 PM): i though

tina (7:28:10 PM): thought

tina (7:28:11 PM): that was

Me (7:28:12 PM): i was looking at something else

tina (7:28:14 PM): some high vocab

Me (7:28:16 PM): LOL

Me (7:28:17 PM): LOL

tina (7:28:20 PM): i was like.. oruding?

tina (7:28:21 PM): what is that

tina (7:28:24 PM): i was about to look it up

Me (7:28:26 PM): nah just typos

Me (7:28:35 PM): hahahhahahhahahhahahha

(I find this funny and worth posting here. not all i say is something to google for. :D)

Teardrops and Roses

2010-06-15T06:29:00.000+08:00

I was at the bus terminal today (like any normal day of course) with earphones plugged in, ignoring the world around me when I heard some applause from the left. I turned to see a crowd clapping for a couple. Some guy was on his knee proposing to a girl with a bouquet of roses. The crowd became silent in anticipation for her response. She was smiling and didn't have a word to say. A moment later, she nodded and everyone clapped again.
It was beautiful. It's something you always see on TV but when it happens in real life, you're just in awe.

The Softest Epiphany.

2010-06-11T00:53:00.001+08:00

The sun fades in and out as the clouds make a complete attempt to overthrow its radiance. Meanwhile, hoping that the sun stands strong, I slowly make my way down to the beach, each step bringing me closer to the open water. I wrap my sweater closer to my body as the wind ferociously blows and brings the chill to my skin. Tossed around with broken seashells and small rocks, the sand under my feet remains soft with a touch of warmth from where the sun remains to persist, though weakly.

I then drop my bag, place my flats on top, and roll up my jeans. I can feel the new rush of cold, salty air and the smooth wet sand as I approach the water. I walk further in, closing the gap between myself and the wide ocean, close enough for the waves to rush over the sand and around my ankles. Each time the water spills over my feet, I would feel another wave of cold washing over me but I did not care. I close my eyes and inhale. My lungs expand with air and I am enveloped by nature's most unpretentious tranquility. Suddenly, a new rush of emotions overwhelm me as memories, both faint and vivid, disrupt my moment of quietness. I am then lost in my own thoughts. Past relationships. Broken promises. Lost friendships. New friendships. Distant struggles and new feats.

Reality.

Quickly feeling the lack of warmth caressing my back, I beg for the sun to stay and to stay strong despite the overpowering gray clouds. I open my eyes and slowly look over my right shoulder. But there He was. Strong as ever without a cloud in its path, gazing right at me high and above the rest of the world, far off into the west. Like a reminder. Like love, hope and friendship, I may not always feel its presence when I am lost but if I look in the right direction, it will always be there, waiting for me with open arms.

Eternity Defined.

2010-05-06T06:08:00.001+08:00

Listen, the wind has finally set in
cool summer breeze brushed along the lines of our faces
i touched yours and you return the gesture
how long has it been since you said your first hello?
since i last waved goodbye at you?
the memories seem to fade
but they are encrypted well at the back of our memory
will you ever get tired of me?
or boredom ceases to exist from the both of us?
i inhaled fresh lilacs from the garden of our lovenest
will the flowers wither in time?
will you plant again and flourish them when it happens?
will you still be there to water them when the next summer's drought come?
will you be rocking my chair while i am looking at little angels picking stars from the pavement?...üä

be happy always. :) someday all the unanswered questions will be silently replied back, by whispers of the air, by humming of the birds.. just let the pain be carried by the water flow.. soon.. it will be all understood. :)

2010-03-24T08:54:00.001+08:00

☺ I appreciate this.

just ask. don't be shy. :D

love night shadows

2010-03-13T22:56:00.001+08:00

I felt you move across my skin in the dark, and thought how I would love to hold you. Wrap you up, so you wouldn’t be able to escape. It’s so perfect what we have, but only when it’s outlined in silhouettes. As soon as the dawn shines onto the bed, you shrink away from me, shed your skin, and take on another form. The sun pulls you out of bed, into your jeans, and out the door. And it throws me, the way we exchange I love you’s while the stars twinkle overhead, but as soon as Helios crosses your path, you forget all of it.

I focus on the next night. You only ever come to me in shadows, and I try to understand that. My friends ask me if you’re real, or just another warped figment of my imagination. I think about that while your fingers trace my earlobe. I try to ask you why, ask you what drags you, what changes you, but the caresses of your work roughened hands distract me and cause the purpose to slip through the spreading cracks in my consciousness.

You’ve underestimated my ability to love. Or perhaps there is another love that awaits you during the day, one who doesn’t know where you go at night or why. One who is suffering the same way I am. The yin to my yang. She may not see me, but she feels my warmth on your skin when you reach her, but she doesn’t, can’t, ask. She can’t bring herself to form the words, just the way I can’t get my tongue to unfurl them. We are parts of your whole. We are pieces of your shattered mirror. We are the unbalanced, unfettered, unwanted shards of memories of your search for perfection. We lay wasted with you, under you, next to you, breathing in the stale air of your mouth. Devouring your naked I love you’s.

Starshine and sunlight kisses taste different to you. I wonder if you clean your palette between courses...üä

weird

2010-03-13T22:24:00.001+08:00

After running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I've
realized it has been a very strange day, in terms of how i feel.

I'm getting random waves of emotion. All of a sudden I'll be really
happy... then I"ll be really lonely, then I'll be really tired... Its
really weird. Not too sure what to think about it all....üä

at the top of my lungs

2010-03-12T09:40:00.000+08:00

Do you ever scream
at the top of your lungs
until your throat feels like it will burst
from the effort?
Not because you're pissed off,
but because you want to?
I do that all the time.
It's a well-needed release of
strange feelings i wouldn't be able
to express otherwise.
Better, and less dramatic
than watching tears fall,
or blood flow.
No one wants to be seen
as crazy.
So we must be careful to
cover our tracks, make sure we leave
nothing behind.
I scream when no one's around
because screaming is less crazy than
sharp blades, or red hot metal,
but it is still
crazy
nonetheless....üä

formspring.me

2010-02-17T00:23:00.001+08:00

If you won a million dollars what would you do with it?

spend some, save some :D

anything you want to know..

oh you care alright.

2009-08-24T19:38:00.000+08:00

no matter what anyone says, everyone cares what other people think about them. If someone really didn't care what others thought about them, wouldn't they be walking around naked more often or something?
That is a very scary thing to think about...üä

How can you make your generic life into something more?

2009-06-29T14:21:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wondered if you're living a generic life of unoriginal thoughts and ideas while the things that make you special are in fact the exact same things that make billions of other people think they're unique in some way? What if we're all just another "cloned soul"?

A generic dream is to experience life's adventures, do a little charity work, fall in love, get married and raise a family, watch your kids mature, grow old together with the love of your life and die knowing you made some sort of a difference.
But does that define human life, or is it nothing more than just another reason we necessitate so to make our existence seem meaningful?

Then again, it all depends on how far you want to reach in your life and whether or not the limitations you have set for yourself are the accomplishments important to your dreams' needs. I admit, a lot of my dreams are generic because most of what I want is what everyone else wants and so I often ask myself how I can bring a little more meaning into my existence. I want to make ordinary into extraordinary and extraordinary into something more...üä

Are you sure you're not crazy?

2009-06-14T15:24:00.000+08:00

yeah... maybe crazy isn't about defining what is peculiar, what is normal, or what is abnormal... each and everyone of us has our own peculiarities and idiosyncrasies and i guess it's just a matter of how much of that is being shown to the world, to a world of judgements and definitions. perhaps. it's just a state of being when our peculiarities and idiosyncrasies are amplified and surfaced ten times more.. or a hundred times more than other people. and in our craziness, we dwell and savour our little peculiarities just more intensely than others.
hmm.. I wrote this cuz I'm crazy...üä

God's gift and me

2009-06-07T11:29:00.000+08:00

I used to like rain.

I thought it was romantic. You can do anything in the rain and it would be cute. Dancing in the rain, kissing in the rain, being under an umbrella in the rain, etc. Right now though, it's not that pretty anymore. It's not pretty wearing black pants that are soaked from the bottom up. It's not pretty juggling an umbrella and bags and your mp3 player all at the same time.

It's as if God is crying.

Yesterday, as I got off the express bus and walked toward my house, I couldn't wait to pass by my favorite tree. The last time I passed by it, the vibrant pink flowers caught my eyes. It was like God's gift to me, to be able to see such an amazing sight. It was different. It was unique. It stood out. It was mine!

But yesterday all the pinkness was no more. It had already turned colors. It was green just like any other tree in the neighborhood. I felt like God was taking away my gift. It was raining that day.

How silly of me....üä

it goes unnoticed.

2009-05-17T12:36:00.000+08:00

We used to have a prism at my house that looked like a little crystal iceberg that had been sheared in half. It sat on the window sill near the various little cacti and aloe plants that grew all year long, yet grew so slowly I never noticed. The sunlight would shine through that prism in the afternoon and refract into little rainbows across the white walls and carpet. Sometimes my cat would pounce around the room chasing the multicolored tattoos the prism inked into the surrounding white. I would twist that little crystal iceberg and the tattoo would zip across the carpet and up the wall and onto the ceiling and my cat would just sit there looking up at it waiting patiently for it to come back down again. And then the sun would dip down over the trees and the little rainbows would disappear and my cat would cock its head to one side before running off somewhere. And the prism was just an ice block in my hand, a crystal paperweight waiting for the next afternoon sun.
I wonder now if I could shine a rainbow back through that prism would it come out as one true beam of light. And if it did, would it not just blend into the white walls and white carpet. And if it did, would my cat not even notice it. Would I not even notice it. And I wonder how something so pure and so direct could go unnoticed...üä

last year's summer rain

2009-04-23T23:11:00.000+08:00

never have I had
such a diligent lover
as the rain
who lets fall
tiny, cool kisses
all over my tired,
too-warm body, with
one thousand pricks of release
from the wet-heat suffocation
of plastic bag summer wrapped round my head,
of desert days following that grey gushing spring
and of stifling seclusion
from all thoughtful touch
standing, receiving, listening quietly
the wet drops are whispering
through every touch upon my ear
we
the rain
forever
falling
can only
will only
kiss only
you
.
(written last summer but posted now)...üä

It started with a word

2009-04-23T23:04:00.000+08:00

It started with a word,
which turned into a phrase,
which was repeated and
repeated, until the words
stopped making sense.
The sentiments were
the same, though they came
from four different directions.
I hear them,
as if in a cave,
the echoes haunt me,
hitting me from behind,
catching me off guard,
knocking me down.
I live in that cave.
I started with color,
light, vibrancy.
But the spectrum has run out.
The sun has set.
The sparkle dulled.
I wander homeless,
no hand to hold,
no place to seek refuge.
It started with a word,
which turned into a phrase,
which shattered me completely...üä

..cravings of the flesh..

2009-03-28T17:06:00.000+08:00

I've got a new secret every day; they are not all terrible. They are like my little monsters. I feed them by letting them live inside of me. Some of them grow, some of them starve and vanish. Some of them I cherish; like a sweet and special gift that nobody knows, which therefore, of course, makes it all the more sweet and special. I can feel these hidden between the bones of my spine, in my neck and shoulders, in my arms, and between my fingers. On some rare days, when I am feeling unfrightened and adventurous, I tell rogue or kristine and even pierre one of these. They never judge me; only, smile or chuckle, and shake their wondering heads at me. Other secrets I would describe more as suffocating. There are very few of them, though it feels often as though there are more because of the tremendous gravity of the weight they put in my pockets and knees. This is where they hide. I compare them to shackles and gags. They have an ability to make me mute for a while. Even more rarely, do I ever have the courage to say a thing about any of these. These are the kinds of secrets that make your heart twist up uncomfortably, and make you harden your face so that no emotion sneaks past. The ones we should tell, but never will, of course. And these secrets install fear. And this fear demolishes good things...üä

..always..

2009-03-22T15:14:00.001+08:00

an oldie on repeat mode recently. it's too hard to not like this song anyway. classic heartbreak song - intensity, exaggeration - bleeding, blood, forever, always, flood, raining, drown, love, heavens, stars, die - all the classic words you need in a heartbreaking song, together with lots of rage and devastation, and a rugged rough rocker voice that sounds even super manly at the high notes. aahh. all that it takes for me to fall in love with songs like this.. (okayy, plus, which woman wouldn't love mr bon jovi..?... haha)...üä

another turning point @ 19th street

2009-03-20T21:37:00.000+08:00

Nineteen years have come and gone, and maybe I'm none the wiser.
Sometimes, at reflective mood, I dare not laugh at life.
Overall I'm proud of who I am, and where I've been, and where I'll be and everyone within my life who's made me as I am.
I've seen and done and felt and learned things that maybe no one else know.
In many ways, I grew up young, in other ways not so.
And time will tell what weights I bear, and to what trails I succumb.
But none dare argue, atleast not I, that I have so much to thank God for.
My family, my friends, my ability, my better half, the fact that I can laugh later, sometimes much much later, at the inevitable pain of breath.
But now nineteen tallies, nineteen years I have to claim in many ways the wiser for it, in many ways the stronger for it, and always, always thankful for it...üä

Traffic lights

2009-02-17T21:00:00.001+08:00

I want to leap and bite and hang there, glowing red and green above the heads.

I want to feel the shaking of the fingers and the stars in my toes and see eternity in the back of my eyelids.

I want to go out in a ball of flame, soaring high over the awe of spectators who will run home to tell their mothers and lovers about the wonder they have seen, the girl who glowed in red and green.

I want my heart to burst with all the passion that I never had and my brain to absolutely dance with energy that will compensate for all those sleepless nights.
I want to scream with terror at the wonder of it all and wonder that anyone would choose to stay when there are so many fine ways to try.

Who would choose to be one of those below looking up when you can go out glowing red and green...üä

..a letter from the past..

2009-02-17T20:08:00.001+08:00

I was looking for my pen in my pile of precious junkies (i call it precious junkies because inside the box are things that are considered as junk for others but treasures for me e.g ung balat ng unang double mint na bigay ni bby saken, mga receipts ng things na binili nya 4 me, ung ninenok kong pantali ng buhok nya, atbp, ung iba nga lng, unfortunately, tinapon ni mommy) when I stumbled upon this neatly folded piece of paper. When I opened it, it's a letter I wrote for her a two years ago, when we weren't together yet. I never gave it to her because I wasn't brave enough to do so. Now, as I read it all over again, I feel so blessed because all the pain was worth it. I'd like to share this with you.

.
Here goes...

.
Dear You,

.
There is a voice inside my heart that continues to linger and she tells me to pick myself up no matter how many times and how hard I might fall. Although it is almost impossible for me to try and forget the burning sensation from the tears I cannot wipe away, as I close my eyes she is always with me and her soft whispers remove me from my place of darkness into a world without sorrow. I swear she is you and I wonder why is it you have never given up on me.

.
In my mind you are of purity, of warmth and of grace and your fingertips can take away the pain of the ones in your presence and in your touch with ease. You understand pain so well and you always know just where to reach into my heart and it makes me wonder, is it your heart that is broken? Does the blood in your hands from putting the scattered pieces of your broken heart inspired you to continue touching my face because you don't want me to endure the pain you have endured for so long?

.
And in my heart I can feel your agony. I can see the beautiful sadness deep inside your eyes. I can see the bittersweet silent look within those eyes and I know while you pretend to go on with each day as if everything is okay, you are slowly falling apart just as much. I know how much it hurts. You put on a mask for the world to see, yet your salty tears are seeping through and causing your mask to gradually perish. When your mask is finally gone, you fear you might fall into an abyss without return.

.
Perhaps you find it rather peculiar of me, as you are the voice and I the listener, but the listener has awoken and it is impossible not to fall for you. I need to find a way to touch away your tears, one precious diamond teardrop at a time, however long it may take.

.
As I gently unwrap your heart with every tear that i touch, I shall find a way to reach you and finally fall inlove with you. I would ask for you to accept me so you would understand that I acknowledged the sacredness of every fiber of your being and that falling inlove with you is the ultimate form of worship, of desire and sensuality. I hope you close your eyes and surrender as I reach my destination in you.

.
Dear You, You are the angel with the broken heart, I want to mend it and love you always. I don't want someone else, for all I want is you, just you and you alone and I shall find beauty within the depths of your broken heart and show you every part of you that makes you beautiful in every way. If ever you fall apart again, I hope you end up falling apart in my arms..

.
Always,
Me...üä

..you, you, only you..

2009-02-08T02:08:00.000+08:00

You are that someone, anyone and all the beauties I find, you are my silent conversations with no one and the scattered memories of my mind. You are my grace, my disgrace, my despair and the many truths I seek and you are all I know. You are all I have left and I love you and you alone, with all my soul, every rhythm in my heart and every fiber of my being. This is the truth you must remember, for you are the essence of my romance, every reason I own and you will always be my sweet love....üä

..just another case of what?? (identity crisis??) naaahh..

2009-01-29T19:20:00.000+08:00

You know that moment when out of nowhere you realize all of which you had once built your foundations of what makes you, you had solely relied upon nothing more than a lie, a nonsensical fabrication of your own imagination, that one defining moment when you realize everything you knew is all of a sudden FAKE? You know, that gut wrenching feeling you get at the pit of your stomach when after more than 19 years of your life you realize that you're still not sure whether the person who stood for the Statue of Liberty is a woman or a man? haha (man, i really don't know, but this post is not about her or him. This is about me!!)
.
Right, well you might not "empathize" with my sentiments, but the point is that it's either the greatest moment nor feeling in the world and in particular, when it requires you to question your own sexuality. Apparently, apparently, apparently, according to ruby, lexx is a boy.. lol. ...üä

..halimaw si Sir!!!..

2009-01-26T11:17:00.000+08:00

"bakit mo pa pahihirapan ang sarili mo kung pwede mo nang ipasa ang testpaper? Kung wala ka nang maisagot, ipasa mo na, baka matukso ka pang mangopya, mahuli pa kita, edi naminusan ka pa"

ito ang linyang madalas sabihin ni Prof. De Guia (area coordinator ng jpia pup-cavite) samen tuwing nahahalata nyang para na kaming may mga pigsa sa puwet na di malaman kung anung pwesto ng pagkakaupo ang gagawin. Halimaw di ba??
2nd evaluation exam ng practical accounting part2 namen nun, at gaya dati, mga bangag na naman kami sa kaaaral, bago mag-exam, super plano na kami kung paanung "cheating arrangement" ang gagawin namen, kanya-kanyang review, nagtatanungan kung saang reviewer kaya kukuha si Sir ng exam, ocampo, roque o valix ba? o baka naman sa resa, cpar o prtc? sa dami nun, di na naman malaman kung panung aral ang gagawin, lalu na ako na hindi naman talaga masipag mag-aral, ayay (tai ako jan).
Oras na ng exam, laking gulat namen na sa ibang room kami pinag-exam, at hindi sa accounting lab, sira ang cheating arrangement! Pagkatanggap pa sa textpaper, halos mawindang ang buong pagkatao naming lahat. Pang out of this world ang hirap ng exam! Grabe, pakiramdam ko, lalabas na yung utak ko at tumakbo palayo sa testpaper na yun, hindi pa makalingon sa katabi dahil nasa likod namen si sir, konting galaw lang namen, kitang kita niya.
Pagkatapos ng exam, napagalaman namen na ang pinagkuhanan ng exam ay galing sa librong ginamit namen 2 years ago, nung 2nd year palang kami. Sino ba namang mag-aakala nun?
Grabe, halimaw talaga si Sir!...üä

malilimot ka ba?

2009-01-16T05:42:00.000+08:00

Kung sa bawat pagbaha ng ulang gustong lumunod sa aking kabuuhan at mapanghamong hangin na humahampas sa kalamnan ikaw ang gustong kaagapay?
.
Malilimot ka ba?
Kung sa bawat pagdalaw ng panglaw sa aking sistema sa gitna man ng pag alalay ng mga kasama'y inasam pa ring katabi ka?
.
Malilimot ka ba?
Kung sa bawat ngiti ng umaga, sa pagluha ng dapithapon at paghihimagsik ng bukangliwayway inasam kong kasama ka?
.
Malilimot ka ba?
Kung sa bawat minuto ng aking pag-iral, sa bawat segundo ng paglaban at pagkabuwal- sa lahat ng panahon ikaw lang ang tanging sandalan.
.
Hindi ka nalimot kahit isang saglit.

..ang dakilang bayani at ang dakilang tamad na iyakin..

2009-01-12T20:33:00.000+08:00

nagbabasa ako ng libro ng buhay ni rizal kanina ehh, itinigil ko na dahil sa sumusunod na dahilan:

una: pinapatulog na ako ni mommy
pangalawa: tinamad na ako, ang haba naman kasi, 1-15 chapters! isipin mo yun, ang dami di ba, panu ko maipapasok lahat ng nilalaman nun sa utak ko (oo, meron din pala ako nyan, na paminsan minsan nakakalimutan kong nasa loob pala ng ulo ko, bihira kasi magparamdam ehh, lolz.)
midterm exam kasi namen dun bukas (mamaya pala dahil 12:55 am na) kaya kailangan kong aralin yun, kaso di na kaya ng utak ko, feeling ko susuka na siya, ehh may hangover pa ko sa evaluation exam namen sa p2 nung sabado, kaya ayun, may dalawang chapters pa kong kailangang basahin bukas, tapos irereview ko ulit ung 15 chapters, ehh 10am yung exam ko, goodluck saken!
pangatlo: mag-iinternet na lang ako.

Naisip ko lang, sayang naman na wala pang camera dati, sa dami ng napuntahang lugar ni rizal, di nya maipagmamayabang yun sa mga friends niya sa friendster lolz, di pa uso ang blog, kaya hanggang talaarawan nalang siya, di pa uso ang email, kaya nagtatyaga siya sa snailmail. wala pang airport sa pinas kaya hanggang paglalayag ang pagbabyahe niya, sayang di ba? hehe.

Anu ba yan, kung anu ano na naiisip ko, eh imposible namang mauso ang mga yun nung mga panahong yun. Pero sayang pa din.

Sa pagbabasa ko ng librong yun, at lingguhang pagtalakay namen ng bawat kabanata (naks! very tagalogy, ahaha) eto ang mga naging obserbasyon ko kay rizal:

si rizal ay isang gala

mahilig sa babae

mahilig mag-aral

isa ring emo, haha, napakasensitibo nya, minsang napuna lang siya ng hindi maganda ng isang propesor ay nawalan na siya ng ganang mag-aral

corny, oo totoo, pansinin mo sa mga sulat

mapagbiro, pero mukhang hindi nya sinasadya, inuulit ko, pansinin mo sa mga sulat at talaarawan niya

madaling mabighani sa mga bagay2x at babae, sa madaling salita, madaling mainlab. (pinangatawanan ko na ang pagtatagalog)

matigas ang ulo, kita niyo naman ang kinahinatnan di ba, binalaan na siya ng nanay niya (pero dahil dun, nakilala siya. hoooray!!)

marami pa yan eh, kaso pagod na kong mag-isip, saka ito naman ay epekto ng sobrang pagbabasa, hehe.. baka inlab na ko kay rizal. haha. (bby, bati tayo!)

akalain mo yun, naisip ko lang si rizal, instant blog post agad.. =)

..his and her downfall..

2008-12-07T19:53:00.000+08:00

I need you to understand that I didn't go into this with the intention of hurting you.
I never honestly thought that I could hurt you.
You weren't real; you were perfect.
You weren't vulnerable; you were the perfect toy.
Someone like me didn't have claws sharp enough to dig through your beautiful ego.
So what do I make of the tears falling from eyes too proud to ever shine with love?
What do I make of the wounded cries from lips that never cared to whisper amour?
Do I feel proud that you actually feel or guilty that I may have been your downfall?...üä

..the sun sets late in the land of lies..

2008-12-03T21:41:00.000+08:00

The sun sets late in the land of lies.
The fluid tide sliding out against a back drop of bleeding hearts and fruity drinks and melting honey.
The days stretched on forever, out into oblivion, dragging on and on until time losses all meaning and an hour does not mean and what it does to you and I.
It is not a classification of time, but rather an abbreviation for nine hundred crashing waves, for two hundred and twelve breezes, for one hundred four gull cries.
There is no separation of sky and sand and sea, but only one vast melting pot of surf and sun and salt and silly games and lazy days and one more fruity drink.
The days are long in the land of lies, and each day must be taken for granted to truly be enjoyed.
Next to diamond and furs , what are a few drops of melted golden sunlight?
Everything.
What are the pearls of salty water beaded on your skin?
Everything.
What are the lacy waves nipping at your toes and warm and thighs?
Everything.
And once you are there, clothes in the splendid robes of arrogance, you never have to leave.
Not ever.
You can stay in your isolated paradise, your tropical beach of perfection, and never, ever worry about any one else again.
Yes, the sun sets late on the land of lies.
...üä

..such a... eErr..

2008-06-12T11:26:00.001+08:00

i w0ke up (ahem! my m0m w0ke me up) at 5:30am i guess. . g0shness!! 5 hours of sleep! chinky eyes cuz i cried.. ohh well.. im fine fine fine.. sch0ol is fine.. still the same.. my classmates?? they're still the same.. very talkative.. yeh, it's ok.. catching up and talking b0ut each other's vacAti0n fiasco and alL.. it's just sad th0ugh, i think 3 or 4 of my classmates w0nt get to graduate this year because they still have an0ther subject to take up next year.. but they cAn do it.. go! go! go!

it's our first day of sch0ol and our law pRofEsS0r didnt sh0w up!! (again!) he did the same thing last semester.. urgh!! it really sucks!! we have this feasibility study.. our profEsSor rejecteD the 3 t0pics we submitTeD s0 she was the oNe who dEcidEd what our t0pic w0uld be.. auditing firm!! gRrR!! that is a very difFicult t0pic oNe w0uld get inv0lve in t0.. everyb0dy seEm to think s0, and i c0uldnt agreE m0re!! i d0 h0pe we c0uld c0me up oN a c0nvincing technique to make our pRof change her mind and let us pick an0ther t0pic.. (pray! pray! pray!) and ohh yeah!! that's n0t just my pr0blem.. i neEd m0ney m0ney m0ney!! i kn0w m0ney isnt everything, buT it is certainly a big part of it.. cAn s0meoNe give me a milLion bucks?? (haha! ambitious!!) ohh well...üä

..anxious...

2008-06-10T00:15:00.000+08:00

heii, i d0nt really kn0w what this is.. but whatever, i was b0reD. i cAnt believe that sch0ol starts t0m0rRow.. OMG.. ohh welL, im exciteD anyWay, i wanNa have sleEplesS nights again.. =b.. i wanNa hang ouT with my friends again.. i have to go ouT at 3 t0day, my m0m wants me to pick up s0mething at the st0re.. i h0pe it rains or s0mething, haha.. buT it's alL go0d, cuz i'm g0nna hang ouT with jester and jera, s0 that'lL be fun fun fun! n0body cAres.. haha..

i have n0 idEa what to write.. it's realLy sad, a m0nth ago or s0mething like that, my bAtchmate in highsc0ol/neighb0r was murdEred, even th0ugh i didn't kn0w her that weLl, everytime we pasS by her h0use, i fEel s0 bAd.. it's s0 weird h0w oNe minuTe s0meOne is there and the next they're g0ne.. lifE is realLy unpreDictaBle..

..scared...

2008-06-10T00:00:00.000+08:00

i want to write ab0uT being scAreD like it isn't a bAd thing, s0 that the people who are reading thIs, wh0 are just as scAreD, d0nt fEel like they are in the wr0ng plaCe f0r fEeling the way they fEel.
i want to say that it's ok to be scAreD or to have fEar, bEcAuse it c0mes fr0m uncertainty, and the oNly certain thIng in thIs w0rld is uncertainty.
buT it is hard to insPire c0uarage when there is laCk of c0nvictioN.. (sigh)

..repentance...

2008-06-07T12:38:00.000+08:00

i remembered
i delivered
i suffered

shadow of the d0ubt crawls in
and trust ceases to exist
does the uncertainty inside grows?

m0tionless
i sat there without any s0und

i c0nceded
i ap0logized
i was ign0red

tears
silent s0bs
wailed and m0aned

i w0ke up
i waited
i said my piece

it's y0ur tUrn
y0u misunderst0od
y0ur timer started

i need time
i am incapable
i turned a cheek

c0ld as an iceburg
hard as a granite
a mixture of b0th
insensitivity is b0rn

i was b0rn
i am c0ld
i am distant
i am insensitive

just because

i remembered
then dElivered
s0 i sufFered

we sufFered...üä

..restless..

2008-06-07T12:27:00.000+08:00

a scintillating idea came into my mind

points of despair arisen

a bad judgment for a f0e

a lack of courage behind the rectangular hindrance

a thin sheEt of barrier in between

thickening every sec0nd that passes by

a driving need to cleanse her being

she uttered a w0rd
then i manage to smile...üä

a part of my tita's letter for me...üä

2008-06-07T03:08:00.000+08:00

''you're a brave, wonderful and very smart girl. Besides being smart, you also have a perfectly n0rmal, natural need to be l0ved for what y0u are.. Y0u're very sensitive and that's why your feelings get hurt easily. It's also why y0u d0nt like to see other people's feelings get hurt. I kn0w y0u hate being sensitive, but believe me, it's one of y0ur m0st precious traits."

Lately, im having a hard time undErstanding myself, i tend to get to0 em0ti0nal, im hypersensitive, i cry a l0t, even just because of the little things.. i always c0mplain, and that's one thing i really d0nt like bout myself.. but n0w? i seE things differently, thankz to tita, instead of repeatedly p0inting out the n0t so go0d side of sensitivity, i l0ok on the brighter sidE.. isnt that what we're suppose to do? to st0p dwelling on things that disapp0int us?

first...üä

2008-06-07T02:47:00.000+08:00

w0ahh!! tiz my first time to create a blog of my own in a real blog site.. hope this will w0rk.. each and everyone of us has our own views in lifE and i'd like to share mine.. hope y0u'll have fun reading my p0st! i'd als0 like to make this bl0g as a little diary, s0 y0u could take a glimpse of h0w i live my life.. maybe y0u'll learn s0mething fr0m me (i h0pe s0).. have fun reading peEpz!!...üä